A Shawol Attended Jonghyun’s Memorial Service And She Told Her Full Story
“When we arrived, we saw the line coming out of the building and followed it.
There had to be over 3 or 4 thousand girls in front of me in line. And they just kept coming.
Like the good Shawols we are, we all instinctively lined two by two. But unlike a usual Shawol line, this one was largely silent.
Broken only by sniffles, the occasional wracking sob or incredulous “wtf is even happening” laugh.
Later, as we got closer to the other roads, the traffic directing man was blowing his whistle continuously. I don’t want to ever hear a whistle again.
Honestly, the line went, surprisingly fast. They had two viewing rooms open and they were enormous.
As we neared the building I started shaking so hard.
Even though it was freezing, even though there was snow on the ground, snow that had fallen while Jonghyun was still alive (yesterday morning was the prettiest morning)…
I wasn’t actually cold. I just… I don’t even know. I didn’t want to go in so badly, but I knew I’d regret it forever if I didn’t.”
“I have never felt such a deep sense of dread.
When we got there, I saw all these girls I know. I’ve been doing events for 3 and half years. I recognize so many of them. Their faces just crushed me. That and knowing I’ll probably never see them again.
In addition to all the wailing, it was so loud… and so much.
Every time a line went [into the service room] the wailing became so much more intense. But later I realized it wasn’t the girls going in who were wailing. It was the ones leaving.”
“As I moved forward, my view shifted, and I saw the [Jonghyun’s] portrait and the Flowers.
At the first sight of his portrait, I almost collapsed. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t even now. It was just the worst feeling. I can’t even describe it.
Although sometime after that, as I steadily marched towards my doom one slow step at a time, I almost laughed. That was just the most surreal f*cking moment I have ever experienced. It was almost absurd. I don’t know what exactly came over me but I got it under control fairly quickly.
Outside of the exit door… it was really loud. I looked over, and I could see girls on their knees and leaning on each other sobbing, their bodies shaking so hard.
It was kind of frightening knowing that in mere minutes I would be out there with them. Having said my final goodbye.
And that moment came quickly. My row was called up. The usher called for the first greeting. We bowed, shaking and clutching each other. Then he called for the moment of silence. We took a moment staring at the floor, the portrait with his beautiful smile, the lovely flowers, the pile of letters and we cried.
The girls who had letters were able to put them on the table. Then the usher called for the final goodbye. I whispered that he’d worked hard, he’d done well, and that I’ll always love him.”
And then it was my turn to go into the hall of sadness. The doors were open, it was so cold. But all we could do was hold each other and sob. What else was there to do?”
I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll love you forever. You gave me so much joy, so much comfort. I don’t know how to exist in a world without you. But ill try my best to learn. We all will.
You did so well. I’ll love you forever.”