Former AOA Member Mina Takes Aim At Jimin Again, From Her Suicide Attempts And Jimin’s Torment, To FNC Not Caring

“I’ve lived like this because of Shin Jimin.”

Content Warning
This article includes descriptions of suicide or self harm that may disturb some readers.

Former AOA member Mina uploaded a series of posts, once again taking fire at Jimin for the torment she caused to both herself and her family.

She posted her first, longest message directed towards Jimin on Instagram at 8:01 pm KST, explaining the torment Jimin caused her and her family, and Jimin’s name permanently on any suicide note she wrote.

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찾아와서 사과 한마디가 어렵나보네 새로운 매니저들 올때마다 쟤 바보인척하는 무서운 년이라고 내가 왜 무서운년이고 바보인척을 해 오디션 보고오면 뭐라도 된줄 아냐고 내가 얼굴 잘나오고 싶어서 다이어트를 열심히 하면 민아야 너 몸이 왜그래? ㅈㄴ보기싫어 살좀쪄 연습생때는 손찌검 하고 니가 맨 앞에 있어서 그랬어 우린 뭐 안녕히 주무셨어요 네 죄송합니다 감사합니다 무조건 자기 마음대로 숙소도 자기가 데리고 오고 싶으면 데리고 오는거야 시끄러워서 나는 연습실에 가서 잤지 뭐 야 요즘 ㅇㅇ변한 것 같지않냐? 돌아가면서 멤버들 욕하지 입에 담을 수 없는 말 많이 했지 참 샵에서 언니한데 먼저 인사 안했다가 한 소리 들었는데 기억 안나지 다? 그리고 약한것만 썼어 10년동안 참 더한 행동 많은데 으랴 으랴 하지 난 언니 덕분에 잃을것도 없고 심지어 두려운 것도 없다? 나의 두려움 대상은 언니니까 나한데는 언니라는 존재가 스트레스였어 지금까지 글만 보면 모르겠죠? 저도 그냥 그게 일상이되서 이제는 다 까먹고 정신병만 남았네요 몇개의 심한말과 함께요 내 유서에는 항상 언니 이름이 있었지 나중에 읽으면 죄책감이라도 느끼려나 싶어서 스트레스로 발작으로 쓰러지고 자꾸 쓰러지고 자살시도해서 쓰러지고 우리 엄마는 울고 우리 언니도 암인데 나 때문에 퍼뜩하면 응급실 난 언니 말에 대들어본 적 단 한번도 없고 연습생부터 데뷔해서 활동까지 내가 잘못한게 있어? 있으면 얘기해봐 내가 아부를 잘 못하는 성격이라 싫어했나? 그래도 난 최선을 다했어 혼나든지 말든지 실실 웃으면서 다가가느라 나도 자존심이 있는데 말이야 나는 언니가 정신과 약 먹으면서 힘들다는게 신기했어 하고싶은 말 다~하고 하고싶은 행동도 거의 하고 완전 이기적인데다가 얼마나 부러웠는데 뭐 각자 개인적으로 힘든건 있었겠지 그래도 언닌 티라도 낼 수 있었잖아? 난 무조건 억눌러야 했어 나 지금 제정신 아니야 근데 나 이렇게 만든거 언니야 우리 가족 힘들게 한것도 언니야 나 원래 멘탈 엄청 강했어 연습생때는 다 그런거겠지 리더니까 그런거겠지 불쌍하다 생각하자 나이 먹고도 똑같아 언니 때문에 힘들다고 얘기 어디가서도 못했어 마지막 재계약 순간때 결국은 터졌고 가족들도 그때 알았지 그래도 우리 가족들은 언니한데 뭐라한적이라도 있어? 딸이 있잖아 누구 때문에 자살 시도를 그렇게 하는데도 화도 안냈어 언니는 울고 싶을때 잘 울고 위로도 많이 받았잖아 나는 언니한데 혼날까봐 그냥 10년을..도대체 어떻게 보냈지? 끝에 언니 때문에 나 수면제 200알 가까이 먹었잖아 그러고 쓰러져서 기억이 안나네 A4용지에 언니 이름 써놓고 엄마 미안하다 그러고 그리고 지금도 그렇게 하루 하루 보내 이미 고장 날때로 다 고장 나버렸어 나 때문에 우리 엄마도 우울증 걸렸다? 내가 언니 단 한명 때문에 살기가 싫거든 정말 진심으로 이유는 언니 단 한명이야 언니가 나한데 와서 진심으로 사과한다고 해도 나는 이미 고장나서 픽픽 쓰러지고 갑자기 울고 갑자기 칼 꺼내 종이에 신지민만 적어 너무 고장나서 울분이 막 가슴이 먹먹해 미치겠어 엄마랑 아빠랑 언니한데 너무 미안해 날 싫어한 이유라도 알려주면 안될까? 안 싫어했다고 하기엔 나한데만 유독 심했잖아 난 억울해 왜 이렇게 난리법석인가 싶겠지만 너무 너무 억울해 눈 뜨면 그냥 억울해서 미쳐버릴것만 같아 정말 정말 힘들다고 조수석에 앉아서 언니가 뒤돌아보면 나한데 한소리라도 할까봐 심장이 떨리면서 살았어 언니 나 사과 받을래 뭐가 달라지냐고? 나도 모르겠어 그냥 이렇게 미쳐 날 뛰어서라도 뭐라도 해보고 싶어서 말이야 분통이 터지잖아 아니 고통당한 이유가 없잖아 신지민언니야 엉? 내 심정 그대로 언니가 단 하루만 느껴봤으면 좋겠다 시간을 돌려서 단 하루만 바꿔보고싶어 언니 참 편하게 살았잖아 뭐라고 좀 해봐 들어보자 나 뭐가 그렇게 싫었어? 응? 나도 언니가 참 싫어 언니만 아니였으면 난 지금 어땠을까 적어도 매일 울고 악몽 꾸고 자살 하려하고 이러진 않지 않았을까? 나는 언니한데 뭘 한게 없어서 솔직히 떠들어대고 싶어 계속 막 알려주고 싶어 나 저 언니 때문에 정신병 왔다고. 그래서 지금 이러고 있어 한심하지? 참다가 참다가 터지니까 나 스스로가 감당이 안되서 숨길수가 없었다

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Looks like it will be hard to get an apology from you. Whenever a new manager comes, she tells them ‘that’s the scary bitch who pretends to be a fool’. Why would I pretend to be an idiot if I am a scary bitch?

When I come back from an audition, you’re just like ‘I don’t know what you’re doing’. If I work hard on my diet because I want my face to come out well, you say ‘Mina, what’s up with your body? I fucking hate what I’m seeing, gain some weight.’

When I was a trainee, you slapped me and said ‘it’s because you were at the front.’ We had to say ‘Good night’, ‘Yes, I’m sorry’, and ‘Thank you’ [to you].

Unconditionally, you would bring people to the dorm, and go do as you wish. It got so loud, that I had to go to the practice room to sleep.

‘Hey, does it seem like XX changed recently?’ You would take turns cursing me out to the other members, saying a lot of things I can’t say here.

Ah, there was one time at the shop where I didn’t greet you first and I heard something, do you remember?

And I’ve only written the ‘weak’ ones. There have been a lot more over the past 10 years, but I have to take it easy now.

I have nothing to lose, but worse, nothing to fear because of you? The thing I feared most was you. To me, your existence was stressful.

Can’t you tell from just reading what I’ve written by now? It was just routine for me, and now I’ve left it all behind. What’s left is the mental illness. Together with some harsh words.

In my suicide note, your name was always in there. If you read it later, maybe you would feel guilty.

I collapsed due to seizures caused by stress. I tried to kill myself and collapsed. My mom cried. My sister has cancer and because of me, she suddenly had to go to the emergency room.

I never talked back to you, and from my trainee time to when we debuted to our promotions, did I ever do something wrong to you? If I did, say it. Did you hate me because I am not the type who is good at flattery?

Even still, I did my best to not get scolded by you and approached you with a smile. I have pride too.

I was surprised when you were taking psychiatric medication because you said you were having a hard time. You said everything you wanted to and did almost everything you wanted to, I was so envious of how one-sided things were.

Well, I’m sure we each had our own individual difficulties. But weren’t you able to make it clear that you were having a hard time? I had to suppress my feelings no matter what.

Right now, I’m not in the proper state of mind. But the person who made me like this is you. You are the one who made my family suffer.

I used to have a strong mentality. When I was a trainee, everyone was like that. Because you were the leader, you were like this. Let’s feel sorry for her. As we got older, it was the same. Because of you, I couldn’t tell anyone that I was having a hard time.

When it was time for the contract renewals, I eventually burst and that’s when my family realized. But did my family ever say anything to you? I am a daughter, and I didn’t even get angry when I tried to kill myself because of someone.

You cried when you wanted to cry, and you got a lot of support. I thought I would get scolded by you so for 10 years… How the hell did I spend it? In the end because of you, I took nearly 200 sleeping pills. Then I collapsed and don’t remember anything else.

On an A4 paper, I wrote your name and ‘Mom, I’m sorry.’ And even now, I spend every day feeling like that. I’m already broken, so everything is broken.

My mom got depression because of me? It’s because of you, the one person, that I don’t want to keep living. Honestly, the only reason is just you.

Even if you come to me now and sincerely apologize, I’m already so broken, constantly collapsing, suddenly crying, suddenly taking out a knife, and writing Shin Jimin on a paper. I am so broken that all my pent-up anger is making me go crazy.

I feel so sorry to my mom, dad, and sister. Can you tell me why you hated me so much? It would be pretty bad for you to say you didn’t hate me.

It’s not fair for me. You may wonder why I’m making such a fuss about it, but it’s just so, so unfair. I feel like I’m going crazy from the moment I open my eyes. It’s just so, so hard.

I lived in fear with my heart trembling because I was afraid you would say something to me if I turned around to look back at you while I was sitting in the passenger seat.

I want an apology, but what difference does it make? I don’t even know. I just want to go crazy and do whatever I want. My anger is about to explode out. But, there’s no reason to suffer more.

Shin Jimin unnie? I wish you could feel how I felt for just one day. I want to turn time around and switch it for just one day. You’ve been living so comfortably.

Say something, let’s hear it. What did you hate about me so much, hm? I hate you too. What would I be like if it wasn’t for you? At least I wouldn’t have been crying everyday, filled with nightmares, and attempting to take my life.

I didn’t do anything to you, so I wanted to be honest and bring this up. I just want everyone to know. I am mentally ill because of her. So that’s why I’m doing this. Isn’t that pathetic? I tried to suppress and suppress it, but it burst and I couldn’t handle it, so I couldn’t hide it.

— Kwon Mina

She followed that up with another post at 8:18 pm KST, elaborating on her some of her thoughts when she was feeling suicidal.

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약 먹고 잔다네 좋겠다 나는 세면대에 머리 담궈가면서 눈물 참고 있다 나는 수면제 수십알 먹어도 잠이 안들어 신기하지? 한 몇일새고 잔다 손목을 칼로 갈라서 집이 피 바닥이 되도 나 그냥 멍해 멍하니 언제죽나 생각도 해보고 몇명이나 달려와서 나 살려줬지? 나 때문에 왜 이렇게 고생하는 사람이 많아졌지? 언니 잘 자고 있어? 난 그 소리 듣자마자 또 화나서 눈물이 나고 욱해 화도 많아졌어 나 이상해 완전 이상해 세면대에 맨날 머리 담구고 살아봐봐 진짜 그지 같애 진짜 언니 정말 나쁜 사람이야 자기 자신이 느껴야지 나도 자고싶다 나도 하루라도 제대로 자고싶다 왜 언니 때문에 내 주변 사람들이 다 고통받아 왜 이렇게 날 나쁜애로 만들어놨어 어? 속 그만 썪이고싶어 나도 근데 화 나 잖아 억울하잖아 사람 돌게하잖아 자지말고 사과하라고 정신차려 언니 나 더이상 망가지게 하지말아주라 와 너무 화가난다

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She’s taking medicine before she sleep. Good for her. I’m holding back my tears as I soak my head in the sink. Even if I take dozens of sleeping pills, I can’t sleep. Isn’t that amazing?

I stay up for days before I sleep. I’m spaced out even if I cut my wrists with a knife and my home becomes a bloodbath. While spaced-out, I’ve thought about when I would die and how many people would run in for me to try and save me. Why are there so many people suffering because of me?

Are you sleeping well? As soon as I hear that, I get angry again, start crying, and my temper flares. My anger also just increases. I’m weird. totally weird. Try it yourself, put your head in the sink every day. It really feels like being a homeless person. Really, you are such a bad person. You just have to experience it yourself. I also want to sleep. I just want to get one proper night of sleep.

Why is everyone around me suffering because of you? Why did you make me seem like the bad person? Hm? I want to stop causing heartbreak too. But I’m just so angry. It’s so unfair. You’re making someone go crazy. Don’t sleep, and apologize instead. Get to your senses. Don’t try to ruin me any more. Wow, I’m so angry.

— Mina

A third post at 8:26 pm KST showed how Mina even told FNC Entertainment about it, and nothing happened.

I won’t be able to achieve my dream anymore will I?

But if you are a person, don’t achieve yours either. At the end of everything, even in my half-idiot state of not being able to open my eyes properly and stumbling on my words because of taking hundreds of sleeping pills, I told FNC that it was because of Jimin, and yet the company did not listen to what I had to say.

Who do I grab a hold of and tell my story to? Don’t be mad you say? I’m like this every day… I’ve lived like this all along… no one knew because I never said anything..

I’ve been hiding medicine boxes since I was 21 and held everything in by taking pills. I’ve lived like this because of Shin Jimin… because of the unnie that is sleeping well right now.

— Mina

And finally, she posted a fourth and as of now, final update, at 8:28 pm KST, offering advice to others who may be in the same situation.

For those that are having a hard time because of someone… go ahead and fight instead of holding it in. Or grab a hold of someone and tell them your story.

Sleeping pills? Don’t ever eat them. There is no end to it. Don’t live like me and don’t hold it in. I hope you all live expressing yourself and doing everything that you’ve wanted to do.

— Mina

. . .